Redefining Marriage: From Self-Loss to Shared Growth.
- Swati Kanswal
- Nov 12
- 2 min read
She said to me during our call, “I do want companionship… but the idea of marriage feels heavy.”
Let’s call her Riya. Early 30s. Self-made. Responsible. Thoughtful. She had built a life she was proud of. But she was tired of doing life alone too.
And yet… every time the conversation of marriage came up, her mind pulled back. Something inside said no.
So, I asked her gently, “When you think of marriage… what picture comes up?”
“Becoming someone, I am not. Adjusting beyond what feels natural. Slowly disappearing.”
It wasn’t marriage she was afraid of. It was losing herself inside it.
A fear learned quietly from years of watching women around her— blur their voice, — soften their needs, — become smaller to make relationships “work.”
Her heart wanted love. But her nervous system was wired for self-protection.
And then came the question that changed the direction of our work:
“If you could define marriage in your own words — not society’s — what would it mean to you?”
Then she said, almost like discovering something for the first time:
“A space where two people grow… without eclipsing each other.”
There was no fear in her voice anymore. Just recognition.
She didn’t fear commitment. She feared choosing a version of marriage that didn’t feel like hers.
Once she saw that she could create a relationship that protects who she is, the heaviness around marriage dissolved.
Today, she’s not rushing into a decision. She’s simply not afraid anymore. She is choosing from clarity, not fear.
Sometimes, the work isn’t about deciding for or against something. It’s about remembering you don’t have to lose yourself while choosing it.
A quiet reflection: If marriage feels heavy to you, ask: “Which part of me am I afraid will disappear?” That’s where your real truth lives.
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